So it is currently 2:30am and I am wide awake, I have been struggling with life the past few days and that has been topped off by a really rough night and consequently I can’t sleep. I’m sure many of you can relate to this scenario but basically what I have been doing for the past few hours is dwelling on the things that make me miserable. This has promoted this post.
This is probably the most real thing I have ever written and I am doing it for a kind of therapy for myself I guess. What I want to talk about is a question I am asked all the time “why do you always wear makeup?”
It is a reasonable question I will put full face of make up on first thing in the morning even if I have no intention of going anywhere. I do it for 3 reasons really.
- This one is pretty simple I do enjoy wearing makeup and creating new looks I can’t deny it at all it is one of my passions.
- This is where I start to get a bit deeper. I hate my body. Hate, hate, hate it. There’s nothing I really like. On good days I like my bum but other than that no. I have huge body confidence issues and it’s not something I can really seem to get past even though I can fake the fact I’m “happy” with myself pretty well. So in my brain I think that “well if I can make my face look nice maybe no one will notice the rest.”
- And this is the bit where I am going to get really real with you all. I know who I am as a person on the inside; I am good, kind, loyal and caring. On my good days I think that that is ok and it is enough. And on my bad days I don’t know who I’m trying to kid. This has led to me having major confidence and self-esteem issues that the people close to me don’t even really know about. This is where the makeup comes in. Makeup is my mask. When I have my full face on I can fake that I am the strong, confident woman that I am so desperate to be. Without it I am quite honestly an insecure mess. What no one really knows about me is that you can tell how I am feeling based on my makeup. If I am having a bad day and I feel vulnerable and insecure I will have a full on glam makeup, if I’m feeling better about life I will be wearing something much more natural. It is a very strange thing that even I don’t understand but wearing makeup helps me at least pretend that I’m ok. It’s a struggle I guess but I am working on it and I hope that one day the person I am inside will be enough but until I reach that point I have my lipstick security blanket to hand.
Like I said at the start I am kind of writing this for my own benefit as a type of therapy. You know it’s better on a page than in your head type thing – I will let you know how it goes with that. I don’t even know if anyone will read this, and if you do you might think I’m nuts. If you have stuck with me till the end and you can relate then I hope maybe in some way has touched you.